Earlier this month a text message sent out to the man competitors ruffled some feathers. The Kid--Jeff Taka--was labeled as a second place finisher and many a man took offense to that. Sean was placed atop Couls and the reigning champ was pushed to third. It's safe to say that my phone was a abuzz. Was this text meant to start the mind games? Possibly. Were they accurate of what the commish's office sees as the real standings come August? Possibly not.
With SOM kicking off tomorrow, I felt that tonight would be the perfect time to unveil the commish's office official predictions for 2011. In honor of March Madness, instead of just listing the man competitors from 1st to 8th, I've decided to pair them with the college team that most suits them. And like Todd McShay's mock draft or Matthew Berry's fantasy draft advice, this list is pretty much entirely useless. But it's fun for me and I can't what to hear Pete bitch when I compare him to Louisville--alot of talk of being good. but in the end nothing that actually backs it up.
THE RANKINGS
#8 Johnson/UCSB...new to the competition and a relative unknown, Johnson finds heartache in his first year of SOM. Plus when I think of University of Santa Barbara (the Gouchos) for some reason I think of a bunch of dirty hippies smoking dope talking about their term paper on climate change and going green and this reminds me of Johnson who with his long locks is the dirtiest hippiest of all of us. Unfortunately Johnson's schedule and lack of success leads him to numerous no shows in the final months of the challenge and the only reason Pete beats him is that Pete will actually win some of the challenges before he starts his no showing.
#7 Pete/Louisville...so much promise and then BANG Moorehead State. I imagine Sean as Moorehead State in this analogy because that makes me smile, but in actuality what takes Pete down is the fact that unlike Tony the Tiger, he is not great and will end up eventually not answering his phone one morning while the rest of us try to get a hold of him letting him know his is missing yet another man challenge. When he talks shit after doing well in the next couple of weeks just think of what the talking heads were saying about Louisville before they got bent over by M State.
#6 Jeff/Michigan State....on paper the Spartans looked good. Kalin Lucas seemed great. Tom Izzo is an outstanding coach. Alot of people had them penciled in to make a deep run and then first round they get bounced by UCLA. Jeff is the youngest of all man challengers, extremely athletic and seemingly ultra competitive. But I don't see him breaking the top 5. Maybe he struggles with the non sports themed events like the cookoff or skeet shooting. It is possible that he can't hold his liquor like the rest of us (He does have Asian in him afterall). Whatever the reason Jeff struggles in his first year of SOM and can only hope to rebuild and return.
#5 Sean/VCU....young and wildly enthusiastic about finally being given a chance to shine. He wins his play in game against other competitors that maybe wanted to join by whining louder and longer than any of them. After being let in he plays like his balls will be nailed to the wall if he loses which vaults him over maybe more talented teams but lacking his drive. He beats Pete, Johnson and Jeff solely because he doesn't miss an event all summer. He quite possibly gets fired because his job is getting in the way of the man challenge. This would not surprise me by coming true. Unfortunately he is VCU and his talent will only take him so far. It was a great run while it lasted.
#4 Couls/San Diego St....new to the tournament (or never having a win, which I'm counting as the same thing) Couls makes a statement by going on a run deep in his first year of action. He's well rounded, being able to golf, run and drink, and this is what propels him into the top 5. Couls is actually my wildcard. Like SDSU nobody really knows just how good he could be. State ran into Kemba and went down. Who will be Coul's Kimba?
#3 Bing/Duke....the reigning champ. But what happens to the champ? He gets everybody's best shot. He gets everybody's Home Depot Game of the Week. ESPN Game Day is camped out on his lawn each and every Saturday and come Monday it's always Monday Night Football. It takes a legendary entity to sustain greatness. Bulls, Steelers, Lakers, Patriots, Celtics, Sampras, Niners, 90's Braves, Federer....all dynasties. Is the Binghorse?
#2 Jantz/Duke but if Duke didn't win last year but choked to Butler....Jantz would love for me to compare him to Kansas. Kansas is great, always near or at the top much like (as much as I hate to say it) Jantz. But unlike Jantz most people don't hate KU. You either love KU or you don't really care. Which is why Jantz is Duke. Or the Yankees. Or the Lakers. Or whatever team you love to hate. Jantz has the braggadocio of a Steinbrenner-esque owner and the similar hatred of his peers. When Jantz wins the world is a gloomier place. Don't tell me that the Yankees buying another World Series feels good or that Jantz winning yet another fantasy football league in Vegas is awesome because it's not. It's foul which is why Jantz is Duke but only in the alternate reality where Gordon Heyward's last second half court shot goes in and it's Butler instead of Duke defending it's title. The reality of course is that Jantz threw up an air ball last year and let 8 girls beat him in the Century Club and slid from second to third overall in the very last man challenge of the summer.
#1 Zach/Butler....come on. Scrappy. Lovable. Winning despite the odds. It's easy to see this comparison. And just like Butler this year, I will stand atop the pile at the end and look down on all you worthy opponents and congratulate myself on being completely awesome.
See you tomorrow gentlemen.
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