The Machine First to 100

With a win in the SOM Open today, Jantz remains in first place and breaks the century mark. Oops sorry Jantz, I didn't mean to mention century and bring up bad memories. Next up....Ping Pong on Tuesday.

SOM Half Marathon

Famous last words.

"Frankly my dear I don't give a damn." Clark Gable as Rhett Butler

"Et Tu Brute" Julius Ceasar

"One last drink, please." Jack Daniels

"The horror, the horror." Marlon Brando as Col. Kurtz

Oh and add another to the list...."Hey guys lets do a half marathon for the man challenge."

At this point we know two men who can't be attributed to the last quote and six that could.

It seemed like such a good idea at the time--and in actuality it was. SOM is a diverse, multifarious endeavor. It's challenges range from conventional (golf) to asinine (beer chug). Physically non threatening (Cook Off) to exhausting (Push Up Pull Up Sit Up). SOM covers all the bases. Or at least attempts to. But up to this point in the summer, and even in the history of SOM, a challenge as difficult as running a half marathon had yet to be undertaken. 13 miles is no joke. But when the idea of adding one to the man docket many of the men had no idea what they were getting themselves into. Or so it seemed one week prior to the running of the first Summer of Man Half Marathon (or what is commonly referred to outside of our group as the San Diego Rock and Roll Marathon).

With big points on the line and first place up in the air, five of the seven remaining men competing this year threw in the towel days before the race. Was it coincidence that the manliest of competitions thus far had elicited such a response from a group of "man" challengers or was it something more. Could it be that the man challenge isn't manly enough? Sure golf takes superior hand to eye coordination and skill acquired by hours and hours of practice. But can it really be called hard? Tom Watson is 108 years old and the last time I checked he was still climbing the leader board at the Greenbrier Classic. Pop A Shot, Skee Ball, Air Hockey while all being classic games can't really be called manly either. Poker is played by fat slobs and uber dorky 20 year olds from the Ukraine (see: Katchalov, Eugene and Timoshenko, Yevgeniy). Frisbee Golf was no doubt invented by a stoner that thought real golf was too strenuous! PUPUSU (Push Up competition) was by far and away the hardest challenge we've done physically up to this point.

The Half Marathon challenge would blow that out of the water. For most people running five miles is a tough obstacle to overcome. 13 just seems crazy. The average adult male who works out, is fairly fit and isn't grossly overweight could probably go out and run 13 miles without much of training regime leading up to it. This is not recommended, but is quite possible. He wouldn't do well. To run at a competitive level demands training though. Putting in the work at the gym, logging the miles on the road and toughening the mind for what it takes to convince one's body to keep going when all it wants to do is quit is paramount to completing a half marathon in respectable time. And by this I mean anyone can go out and jog for three hours and finish 13 miles, but it takes a lot more than that to actually run 13 miles.

Now should we call names? Would that be fair? Run up a list of those who did and those who didn't compete on June 5th 2011? Mock one group, idolize the other? Make a show of those who bitched out and those who manned up? Hell Yes we should! And so with no further ado, those who bitched out:

1. Kris Couls...the number one man of the moment, suffering from a pulled hamstring, is the first to wave the white flag of bitchery and sells off his number. Did he have a good excuse? Of course, a pulled hammy hurts, but maybe this was just a symptom of whats to come. The second leg of SOM is full of strenuous events and Jantz may have put it best when shit talking to Couls...."it's called athletically conditioned and definitely part of the Man Challenge! It cost u in the two events so better right the ship for the 2nd leg." Will the lead that Couls built on dribbling soccer balls and bowling hold up when actual physically demanding challenges come along? After forfeiting his race bib, Jantz took over first place for the first time in 8 weeks so you be the judge...

2. Bing Bingaman....reigning MOY, but has the mighty fallen? Four days before the race, Bing had trouble finishing a four mile run and convinced himself that it was better for him health wise to drop out. I for one agreed. I like the guy. I didn't want to see him stroke out at mile 8 going up the 163. Bing is the second half kid, as evidenced last year in his run to the crown. He mopped up in the final month and will always be the first MOY because of it. Can he do it again or will his deteriorated overall fitness hinder him in going back to back?

3. Sean Baird....a head scratcher to say the least. Sean actually had a chance at 2nd place but decided to drop out instead. He was actually the first to jump on the Couls train to vagland when Kris brought up the idea of playing golf (weird, a real tough sport) instead of competing in the half marathon. Maybe his vacation led to bitch out or the thought of running and losing to Jantz rather than just surrendering to him was too painful to contemplate or maybe he was just being a Stein but one way or the other he gave up points and only time will tell if that decision will come back on him in the end.

4. Johnson....out of town but that really didn't matter. If it wasn't the money thing it was the fitness thing. Johnson only runs for the border (and I'm referencing the taco b way not the illegal alien way). I would bet my right pinkie Four Rooms style that Pete would be more likely to actually finish a SOM than Johnson finish a half marathon. There is no way this kid doesn't die, come in last and injure himself for the rest of his life if he stays in town and competes so it was better this way.

5. Pete.....ha. so close to having all of us mock him for the rest of his days for losing to his highly trained and vastly fitter girlfriend. but really? was it ever a doubt Tony the Tiger would bail? Nope

And those who manned up:

Which leaves two.

Me. In need of 7 points so bad I'd probably run across a hypodermic AIDS needle infested field barefoot to win.

And Jantz. The one guy who had the MOY title in his grasp and let it slip away through a series of completely girly miscues (see: Push, Car and Club, Century). He is pushing himself and it paid off. After finishing second (or last as I like to call it) he wrestled the power of first place away from a faltering Couls. Is this the turning point? Will Couls continue his slow decline into uselessness, no longer able to just rest on his laurels? Can Bing muster the strength to get back into fighting shape? Will the commish resolve toc climb back into relevance or continue to toil in obscurity? Will Johnson win another event ever? Will Sean kick himself one day soon when he falls just short of greatness?

These are questions that will be answered in the next leg of the always intriguing Summer of Man...

The Half Marathon by the Numbers:

1st Zach 1:35:39 (7:18 pace per mile, a personal record, 314 out of 17,000 people and 41st in my division)

2nd Jantz 1:49:10 (8:20 pace, 1328 out of 17,000 people 189th in his division).

ps Jantz I beat you by more than 1,000 people

NO Shows Bing, Johnson, Couls, Sean and Pete

The second leg of SOM looks to be a bit harder with the Lifeguard Challenge, Arm Wrestling and a 26 mile bike ride coming up. We shall see who bitches out and who mans up.

Stats for the First Leg

Updated up to June 22nd
After 15 separate events here's what the back of our trading cards would look like....

Jantz. Current 1st place leading man...4 first place finishes, 0 no shows, 5 top three, 0 last place*
(though technically second in the half marathon was last)

*last measured by finishing last of the Men competing

Couls. Held the lead for a record 8 weeks...4 first place finishes, 1 no show, 4 top three, 1 last place

Bing. Reigning MOY....1 first place finish, 1 no show, 5 top three, 1 last place

Sean. The newbie hanging strong....2 first place finishes, 1 no show, 3 top three, 1 last place

Zach. The commish on the comeback trail....2 first place finishes, 0 no shows, 4 top three, 3 last place

Johnson. Our resident pothead....1 first place finish, 4 no shows, 1 top three, 6 last place

Pete. The frosted one....1 first place finish, 10 no shows, 3 top three, 0 last place

And just for the record, the Kid--Jeff takahasi, out of 6 events that he managed to eek his way thru he won 0 times and came in last 2 times. At the point he quit he was middle of the pack. Not a big loss.

If we were ball players and our winning percentage was measured like a batting average it would look like this

Jantz .267
Couls .267
Sean .133
Zach .133
Bing .067
Pete .067
Jeff .000

Now if we measure by consistency--top three finishes ( including first place) divided by last place (including no shows)--here's our true Man Average as of now:

Jantz .600

Couls .266
Bing .200
Sean .166
Zach .133
Johnson .013
Pete .026

***Bing shoots up a couple spots which highlights the value of not necessarily winning everything but being consistent. Though he still sits in third...

Leg three kicks off on July 6th at Bub's for All You Can Eat Wing Contest!!!

Man up.

SOM 14 Track and battleField

Track Day

Back in the day when I was a wee little boy, El Capitan, the elementary school of my youth, would shut down for one day in the spring right before it released the tormented students for the glorious summer months. This one day was looked forward to like Christmas or one's birthday. We would train like miniature Olympians sprinting from one end of the playground to the other in the weeks leading up to this fateful day. Hoping like all men have hoped that greatness on the field of play will somehow translate to greatness in our lives off of it, in the minds of our peers and of course and most importantly in the minds of the ladies. Even at that young age we knew how important it was to shine on that day, the greatest of all days--FIELD DAY.

Fast forward a couple years and you'll find that same spirit exists anytime a man steps onto a field...football, soccer, baseball and track. Men yearning to make their mark.

Men measuring themselves against one another in hopes of being the best. Being better. Being great.

May 22nd was one of those days.

SOM 13 was track and field day on the man calendar. At this point last year track day featured the track but no field and so we set out to remedy that problem. After much discussion we added discus and long jump to the slate of events, one of which would spell doom for one of the competitors. One of which would change the course of the Summer of Man 2011 completely.

Coming into the day most viewed Couls as the favorite. He had the swagger of leading man, wearing the first place bracelet for yet another week like a heavyweight boxer climbing into the ring with the champs belt, and the pedigree of a high school track hero. Once upon a time Kris Couls anchored a 4X100 relay team that competed with the best of teams in all of California. There is even rumor that he beat Mo Jo Drew back when they both ran track in high school. Not a bad resume.

But that was then. We were all great once.

We started out the day with the 40. Last years numbers would have to improve dramatically if any of us wanted to best the new comer. The loss of last years champ--the Darkhorse--left an opening for a new winner in the 40. Couls looked to be this man. After posting a time of 5.5 sec he quickly bested that by running a 5.1, a full .35 seconds ahead of Bing, who oddly enough is quite quick for a big guy. Sean fell a mere .05 seconds behind Bing at 5.5 and Jantz and I tied at the bottom with a respectable old man time of 5.7 (Jantz won the head to head sprint off to capture 4th place). Pete, whom many thought would make an appearance per his MO (that being he shows when he knows he can do well and vanishes when he senses he won't) was curiously absent from track day as was the resident stoner, Johnson, who slept through the morning's events.

The results thru one:

Couls 5.1

(he didn't run his third sprint after posting the best time in his second thus robbing man challenge of a possible sub 5.0 40 time)

Bing 5.45

Sean 5.5

Jantz 5.7 (won the sprint off)

Zach 5.7

In the days second challenge it was decided to mix in a field event. This would prove to be a defining decision on the day. The long jump would be the battleground for round two. Couls was rumored to be state champion class in this event as well by his hype man and fellow competitor Matt Bingaman although the commish's office is still waiting on trophies, a school record book or momma's newspaper clippings to back up these assertions. Regardless going into this event, Couls was again looked at as the man to beat. That was until his second jump. A jump that would prove more costly than anyone could imagine.

At the time of Couls' second jump, Sean was leading with Jantz and Bing tied and zVirus yards behind. Couls' first jump had been dramatically shorter than had been expected and he was looking to make a statement. Running full steam at the pit the man who had once been the kid that flashed brilliance on the oval; the kid who took down NFL running backs; the kid who set high school records, took of into space and when he came back down to earth the kid who had become a man felt all those years that it takes to become a man catch up to him. All those nights of heavy drinking and early mornings in the taco bell drive thru, all those sleepless nights spent watching the sun come and days laying around nursing a hangover playing Tiger Woods golf came crashing down on the kid who had become a man. Came crashing down right on his dehydrated rarely used hamstring.

When Kris Couls went up on that second jump he was the all out favorite to win the day. When he came down everything had changed.

Jantz ended up reeling off a 17' jump that would put him in first ahead of Couls' first jump (we did 3 jumps and took our longest of the 3). Sean would come in 3rd, Bing 4th and Zach 5th.

It was decided that in order to give Couls a chance to see if he could nurse the hamstring back into action we would throw the discus next, a non running event. While Kris began the process of trying to coax his hammie back to good, Bing toed the line and let loose with what would stand as the longest throw of the day--49.5'.

(sidenote: Given that not a single one of us were high school track coaches and the commissioner's office did not have it in the budget to purchase an actual discus, we just manned up and threw a five lb plate)

After three rounds the standings at discus was:

Bing 1st 49.5'

Zach 2nd

Jantz 3rd

Sean 4th

Couls 5th

With only two events remaining, Couls had slipped from first all the way to battling for last. After trying to throw the discus on his third attempt--and failing--it was clear that he had pulled his hamstring. No amount of rest would aid in the 100, the next event. Bing now looked to be the favorite to win the sprint, with zVirus the front runner for the mile which meant that Couls would be the first man to go into the day as the clear cut favorite to win and would come out in butt naked last place no matter how the next two races finished up.

Bing led from the beginning and nabbed his second first place on the day, pretty much tying up the top spot for track day. His 12 second 100 would not be enough to break Usain Bolt's record though, which came as a pretty big surprise to all involved. Sean came in second, Jantz third and Zach fourth with Couls out due to injury.

That left the mile. After defending his title as the slowest short distance runner, Zach, winner of the mile last year, looked to also defend his title as the fastest long distance runner. Jantz would pose the biggest threat leaving Bing and Sean to contemplate failure, stroking out and throwing up together in the back. After reeling off two laps at 90 and 92 seconds, zVirus picked up the pace and left the rest of the men behind. Logging the next lap at 86.6 and the last at 86.3 the slowest sprinter of the group posted a 5:56 mile and successfully defended his mile victory. After totaling up the scores, Track and Field Day looked like this:

Bing 1st (2 first place..discus, 100)

Jantz 2nd (1 first place...Long Jump)

Sean 3rd (three 3rd places)

Zach 4th (1 first place...mile)

Couls 5th (1 first place...40)

Pete NO Show

Johnson NO Show

How we measure up to the best....

40 yard sprint....Couls 5.1 (Darrell Green of the Wash Redskins ran the fastest ever in 1986 4.09)

100 yard dash....Bing 12 (Usain Bolt holds the WR with 9.58 which he ran in 2009 in Berlin)

Mile.....................Zach 5:56 (WR is 3:43:13 by Hicham El Guerrouj from Morocco ran in 1999)

Discus................Bing 49.5 feet (WR 243 feet by Jurgen Schult in Germany in 2006, although the discus they were throwing was actually a discus (weighing in at 4 lbs 7 oz) we were throwing a 5 lb plate from the gym...ghetto but effective

Long Jump........Jantz 17 feet (Mike Powell from the USA jumped WR 26 feet 4 inches in 1991)

and finally, after some exhaustive digging and investigative work, I unearthed something I think you all would like. Check out this link and I think you'll find someone familiar. Take time to scroll down and specifically check out the tetherball throw. http://www.aboutlancs.com/cyo/cyopress.htm

SOM 13 Kart Racing

This just in to the commissioners office...The Machine is making a push for the lead. Kris Couls who has held the MOY watch for a record 5 weeks is clinging to it desperately as Jantz surges. After recording a big win in frisbee golf, Jantz's dominance continues. He notched another victory at Miramar race track on Tuesday as well as successfully defending his title as top driver from last year. His numbers may have been a bit better but overall the competition was not as tight as the final times made it look. Jantz had control most of the way, only driving slower than he amazing celebrity contestant...the Jimmy Johnson of mini kart racing- our very own Sanchise. Amusingly enough the leading MOY kris couls mistakenly got into the sanchise's car and thought the entire time he was in the lead, reading the times on the big board incorrectly, when in actuality he was back battling the commish for third.

Another entertaining storyline was that of Johnson who hasn't owned a car since late 2005. He predictably came in butt naked last. Something is to be said about battling rush hour traffic every day.

In the end Jantz was back to back racing champ and inched his way a bit closer to ending Couls' reign at the top.

Final positioning:

1st Jantz

2nd z$

3rd Couls

4th Sean

5th Bing

6th Johnson

No Show Pete

SOM 11 Shuffleboard: O' Canada thanks for shuffle

Shuffleboard is quite possibly the best game ever stolen from Canadians.

Up there in the great white north they call it curling for some idiotic reason that I don't care to even waste time on googling. Because down here the the ridiculously better and supremely dominant country known as the US of A we call it shuffleboard and because half of our country isn't frozen and the majority of us drink heavily, we play it inside in a bar.

Shuffleboard got it's start in the SOM as a mere part of the epic Arcade night. Like George Clooney, the Statue of Liberty and Johnson's roommates Beer Pyramid, we believe that it has the ability to stand firmly on it's own. 8 points for a game where one person slids a small disc down a sand covered table? Where a participant can in fact clutch an entire pitcher of beer in one hand, a dob in the lip and 4 shots of Fireball in the belly and still be successful? 8 points for this kind of game? You're damn right...this is America.

Technically we did not have a reigning man champ for the shuffleboard given it's inclusion as a part of arcade night last year, but the Klemhorse did end up winning, besting the self proclaimed best shuffleboard player, Bingaman. This year Bing slightly let off of his campaigning as the WBSBP, which was good for him. No one likes to hear Trump saying he's going to win the presidency if he runs...it's just ridiculous. Couls/Klemo and Sean/Jantz ended up pulling the play in game duty with Couls and Jantz earning the bye. I made quick work of three things in rapid progression: a pitcher of BL, a shot of Fireball and Bing, my nemesis on the S Table. Because of the rule of no one orders beers, you order pitchers I believe that Johnson beat Sean to move on to the second round. My domination continued, taking down Jantz almost as easily as I took down Mrs. Jantz one lovely evening (and I do mean almost, nothing was as easy as that night). Couls beat up on Johnson who was minutes away from a meltdown. In the loser's bracket Jantz clawed his way back. I took my talents to South Beach and Lebroned the shit out of Couls, not once, but twice after he beat Jantz in the loser's bracket to take one more run at--not only the self proclaimed, but now world renowned--best shuffleboard player, Zachary C. Klemo. I toasted his blue bracelet mocking me from his wrist with a shot of something the sexy little J was pouring from the bar and woke up the next morning pissed we had played darts.

Final Standings:

1st Klemhorse

2nd Steinhorse

3rd Jantzhorse

4th Baihorse

5th Binghorse

6th Johnson who doesn't get a sweet horse nicknamed because he acted like a whore and not a horse and bounced on us. We did end up giving him his three points after all was squashed and his iSAL wearing days continued.

DNP Pete

Darts

??????????????????????????????????????????

bahahahaha

we played. Couls won. Sean pouted. Johnson Houdinied. Bing raged. Klemo blacked. Jantz was there?

that about covers it.

1st Couls

2nd Jantz

3rd Sean

4th Zach

5th Bing

DNP Johnson

DNP Pete

after this night...Johnson starts to challenge my iSAL record. Couls' first place looks strong.

SOM 10 Frisbee Golf: The Classic Tale of Bad Overcoming Good

Battleground: Morley Field

Weapon: Disc

Combatants: Six Man Challengers and every pot smoking 27 year old from Chula Vista to Oceanside.

If you don't like stories where evil triumphs over good then I encourage you to stop reading. If you're of the mindset that the better man gets what he deserves in the end then you are going to be sorely disappointed in this story. This is not that type of tale. Imagine if you will that Darth Vader actually let the Emperor kill Luke or that Frodo got to the edge of Mount Doom and instead of throwing the ring in he says, "F#$ it!" puts it on and becomes the most awesome evil Lord ever. It's like Braveheart where you're completely pissed that Mel Gibson is getting his guts ripped out and his boys don't do shit about it. Even yelling "Freedom" doesn't save this story I'm about to revel you with.

Six men lined up on May 7, 2011 on Morley Field in Balboa Park to compete in the world's oldest and most revered weed smoking sport this side of Halo. Frisbee Golf, a game of skill, blind luck and hand strength (strong fingers and a quick wrist snap or what Sean's girlfriend likes to call the masturbation muscles).

Six men and one to rule them all. What a sad day when that man turned out to be Jantz.

Now don't get me wrong. Jantz winning is not in and of itself the worst thing in the world. Burning to death is, but Jantz winning is a close second.

Going into the turn Jantz was in a three way tie with Bing and of course Couls (who seemingly sold his soul to Lucifer prior to this year's man challenge) at 31. A close second was reigning Frisbee Champ zVirus at 32 and Sean and Johnson trailing by 3 and 5 respectively. After a terrible bogey on 10 and a double on 15, Jantz's hopes had all but dwindled to nothing, when out of nowhere he birdies 17 to put it out of reach of a fading Couls and a surging Klemo. Bing's back 10, notably double bogeys on 15 and 18 offset his strong front 9 and left him with a stomach turning fourth place after being in contention all day. Johnson and Sean never had a chance trailing the entire way. Jantz' walk down the 19th fairway was reminiscent of Hitler's march on Paris or the Bataan Death March of 1942...nobody's happy about it. Even his score of 66 was one digit away from pure evil.

It was the anti-Rudy tale. It was Johnny sweeping the leg and Ralph Macchio NOT getting up to whip his ass with a sweet Crane Kick. It's Charlie Conway missing the penalty shot and Gordon Bombay spiraling down into an alcoholic haze a la Nick Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. Sorry boys and girls if you've stuck with this fairy tale gone wrong. Evil wins this time, but I'm holding out for the sequel.

Last year a 70 won the whole thing and there was a three way tie for second at 72. So if you're trying to figure where you stand Pete, it would have been tied with Bing for a second straight year in fourth instead of second. Notably Jantz had 100% less practice this year and shot 6 strokes better. Allen Iverson says, "Practice???" who needs it?

Golf Scores:

Jantz 66

Couls 68

Zach 69

Bing 72

Sean 75

Johnson 77

Up next Shuffleboard and Darts...