The Machine First to 100

With a win in the SOM Open today, Jantz remains in first place and breaks the century mark. Oops sorry Jantz, I didn't mean to mention century and bring up bad memories. Next up....Ping Pong on Tuesday.

SOM Half Marathon

Famous last words.

"Frankly my dear I don't give a damn." Clark Gable as Rhett Butler

"Et Tu Brute" Julius Ceasar

"One last drink, please." Jack Daniels

"The horror, the horror." Marlon Brando as Col. Kurtz

Oh and add another to the list...."Hey guys lets do a half marathon for the man challenge."

At this point we know two men who can't be attributed to the last quote and six that could.

It seemed like such a good idea at the time--and in actuality it was. SOM is a diverse, multifarious endeavor. It's challenges range from conventional (golf) to asinine (beer chug). Physically non threatening (Cook Off) to exhausting (Push Up Pull Up Sit Up). SOM covers all the bases. Or at least attempts to. But up to this point in the summer, and even in the history of SOM, a challenge as difficult as running a half marathon had yet to be undertaken. 13 miles is no joke. But when the idea of adding one to the man docket many of the men had no idea what they were getting themselves into. Or so it seemed one week prior to the running of the first Summer of Man Half Marathon (or what is commonly referred to outside of our group as the San Diego Rock and Roll Marathon).

With big points on the line and first place up in the air, five of the seven remaining men competing this year threw in the towel days before the race. Was it coincidence that the manliest of competitions thus far had elicited such a response from a group of "man" challengers or was it something more. Could it be that the man challenge isn't manly enough? Sure golf takes superior hand to eye coordination and skill acquired by hours and hours of practice. But can it really be called hard? Tom Watson is 108 years old and the last time I checked he was still climbing the leader board at the Greenbrier Classic. Pop A Shot, Skee Ball, Air Hockey while all being classic games can't really be called manly either. Poker is played by fat slobs and uber dorky 20 year olds from the Ukraine (see: Katchalov, Eugene and Timoshenko, Yevgeniy). Frisbee Golf was no doubt invented by a stoner that thought real golf was too strenuous! PUPUSU (Push Up competition) was by far and away the hardest challenge we've done physically up to this point.

The Half Marathon challenge would blow that out of the water. For most people running five miles is a tough obstacle to overcome. 13 just seems crazy. The average adult male who works out, is fairly fit and isn't grossly overweight could probably go out and run 13 miles without much of training regime leading up to it. This is not recommended, but is quite possible. He wouldn't do well. To run at a competitive level demands training though. Putting in the work at the gym, logging the miles on the road and toughening the mind for what it takes to convince one's body to keep going when all it wants to do is quit is paramount to completing a half marathon in respectable time. And by this I mean anyone can go out and jog for three hours and finish 13 miles, but it takes a lot more than that to actually run 13 miles.

Now should we call names? Would that be fair? Run up a list of those who did and those who didn't compete on June 5th 2011? Mock one group, idolize the other? Make a show of those who bitched out and those who manned up? Hell Yes we should! And so with no further ado, those who bitched out:

1. Kris Couls...the number one man of the moment, suffering from a pulled hamstring, is the first to wave the white flag of bitchery and sells off his number. Did he have a good excuse? Of course, a pulled hammy hurts, but maybe this was just a symptom of whats to come. The second leg of SOM is full of strenuous events and Jantz may have put it best when shit talking to Couls...."it's called athletically conditioned and definitely part of the Man Challenge! It cost u in the two events so better right the ship for the 2nd leg." Will the lead that Couls built on dribbling soccer balls and bowling hold up when actual physically demanding challenges come along? After forfeiting his race bib, Jantz took over first place for the first time in 8 weeks so you be the judge...

2. Bing Bingaman....reigning MOY, but has the mighty fallen? Four days before the race, Bing had trouble finishing a four mile run and convinced himself that it was better for him health wise to drop out. I for one agreed. I like the guy. I didn't want to see him stroke out at mile 8 going up the 163. Bing is the second half kid, as evidenced last year in his run to the crown. He mopped up in the final month and will always be the first MOY because of it. Can he do it again or will his deteriorated overall fitness hinder him in going back to back?

3. Sean Baird....a head scratcher to say the least. Sean actually had a chance at 2nd place but decided to drop out instead. He was actually the first to jump on the Couls train to vagland when Kris brought up the idea of playing golf (weird, a real tough sport) instead of competing in the half marathon. Maybe his vacation led to bitch out or the thought of running and losing to Jantz rather than just surrendering to him was too painful to contemplate or maybe he was just being a Stein but one way or the other he gave up points and only time will tell if that decision will come back on him in the end.

4. Johnson....out of town but that really didn't matter. If it wasn't the money thing it was the fitness thing. Johnson only runs for the border (and I'm referencing the taco b way not the illegal alien way). I would bet my right pinkie Four Rooms style that Pete would be more likely to actually finish a SOM than Johnson finish a half marathon. There is no way this kid doesn't die, come in last and injure himself for the rest of his life if he stays in town and competes so it was better this way.

5. Pete.....ha. so close to having all of us mock him for the rest of his days for losing to his highly trained and vastly fitter girlfriend. but really? was it ever a doubt Tony the Tiger would bail? Nope

And those who manned up:

Which leaves two.

Me. In need of 7 points so bad I'd probably run across a hypodermic AIDS needle infested field barefoot to win.

And Jantz. The one guy who had the MOY title in his grasp and let it slip away through a series of completely girly miscues (see: Push, Car and Club, Century). He is pushing himself and it paid off. After finishing second (or last as I like to call it) he wrestled the power of first place away from a faltering Couls. Is this the turning point? Will Couls continue his slow decline into uselessness, no longer able to just rest on his laurels? Can Bing muster the strength to get back into fighting shape? Will the commish resolve toc climb back into relevance or continue to toil in obscurity? Will Johnson win another event ever? Will Sean kick himself one day soon when he falls just short of greatness?

These are questions that will be answered in the next leg of the always intriguing Summer of Man...

The Half Marathon by the Numbers:

1st Zach 1:35:39 (7:18 pace per mile, a personal record, 314 out of 17,000 people and 41st in my division)

2nd Jantz 1:49:10 (8:20 pace, 1328 out of 17,000 people 189th in his division).

ps Jantz I beat you by more than 1,000 people

NO Shows Bing, Johnson, Couls, Sean and Pete

The second leg of SOM looks to be a bit harder with the Lifeguard Challenge, Arm Wrestling and a 26 mile bike ride coming up. We shall see who bitches out and who mans up.

Stats for the First Leg

Updated up to June 22nd
After 15 separate events here's what the back of our trading cards would look like....

Jantz. Current 1st place leading man...4 first place finishes, 0 no shows, 5 top three, 0 last place*
(though technically second in the half marathon was last)

*last measured by finishing last of the Men competing

Couls. Held the lead for a record 8 weeks...4 first place finishes, 1 no show, 4 top three, 1 last place

Bing. Reigning MOY....1 first place finish, 1 no show, 5 top three, 1 last place

Sean. The newbie hanging strong....2 first place finishes, 1 no show, 3 top three, 1 last place

Zach. The commish on the comeback trail....2 first place finishes, 0 no shows, 4 top three, 3 last place

Johnson. Our resident pothead....1 first place finish, 4 no shows, 1 top three, 6 last place

Pete. The frosted one....1 first place finish, 10 no shows, 3 top three, 0 last place

And just for the record, the Kid--Jeff takahasi, out of 6 events that he managed to eek his way thru he won 0 times and came in last 2 times. At the point he quit he was middle of the pack. Not a big loss.

If we were ball players and our winning percentage was measured like a batting average it would look like this

Jantz .267
Couls .267
Sean .133
Zach .133
Bing .067
Pete .067
Jeff .000

Now if we measure by consistency--top three finishes ( including first place) divided by last place (including no shows)--here's our true Man Average as of now:

Jantz .600

Couls .266
Bing .200
Sean .166
Zach .133
Johnson .013
Pete .026

***Bing shoots up a couple spots which highlights the value of not necessarily winning everything but being consistent. Though he still sits in third...

Leg three kicks off on July 6th at Bub's for All You Can Eat Wing Contest!!!

Man up.

SOM 14 Track and battleField

Track Day

Back in the day when I was a wee little boy, El Capitan, the elementary school of my youth, would shut down for one day in the spring right before it released the tormented students for the glorious summer months. This one day was looked forward to like Christmas or one's birthday. We would train like miniature Olympians sprinting from one end of the playground to the other in the weeks leading up to this fateful day. Hoping like all men have hoped that greatness on the field of play will somehow translate to greatness in our lives off of it, in the minds of our peers and of course and most importantly in the minds of the ladies. Even at that young age we knew how important it was to shine on that day, the greatest of all days--FIELD DAY.

Fast forward a couple years and you'll find that same spirit exists anytime a man steps onto a field...football, soccer, baseball and track. Men yearning to make their mark.

Men measuring themselves against one another in hopes of being the best. Being better. Being great.

May 22nd was one of those days.

SOM 13 was track and field day on the man calendar. At this point last year track day featured the track but no field and so we set out to remedy that problem. After much discussion we added discus and long jump to the slate of events, one of which would spell doom for one of the competitors. One of which would change the course of the Summer of Man 2011 completely.

Coming into the day most viewed Couls as the favorite. He had the swagger of leading man, wearing the first place bracelet for yet another week like a heavyweight boxer climbing into the ring with the champs belt, and the pedigree of a high school track hero. Once upon a time Kris Couls anchored a 4X100 relay team that competed with the best of teams in all of California. There is even rumor that he beat Mo Jo Drew back when they both ran track in high school. Not a bad resume.

But that was then. We were all great once.

We started out the day with the 40. Last years numbers would have to improve dramatically if any of us wanted to best the new comer. The loss of last years champ--the Darkhorse--left an opening for a new winner in the 40. Couls looked to be this man. After posting a time of 5.5 sec he quickly bested that by running a 5.1, a full .35 seconds ahead of Bing, who oddly enough is quite quick for a big guy. Sean fell a mere .05 seconds behind Bing at 5.5 and Jantz and I tied at the bottom with a respectable old man time of 5.7 (Jantz won the head to head sprint off to capture 4th place). Pete, whom many thought would make an appearance per his MO (that being he shows when he knows he can do well and vanishes when he senses he won't) was curiously absent from track day as was the resident stoner, Johnson, who slept through the morning's events.

The results thru one:

Couls 5.1

(he didn't run his third sprint after posting the best time in his second thus robbing man challenge of a possible sub 5.0 40 time)

Bing 5.45

Sean 5.5

Jantz 5.7 (won the sprint off)

Zach 5.7

In the days second challenge it was decided to mix in a field event. This would prove to be a defining decision on the day. The long jump would be the battleground for round two. Couls was rumored to be state champion class in this event as well by his hype man and fellow competitor Matt Bingaman although the commish's office is still waiting on trophies, a school record book or momma's newspaper clippings to back up these assertions. Regardless going into this event, Couls was again looked at as the man to beat. That was until his second jump. A jump that would prove more costly than anyone could imagine.

At the time of Couls' second jump, Sean was leading with Jantz and Bing tied and zVirus yards behind. Couls' first jump had been dramatically shorter than had been expected and he was looking to make a statement. Running full steam at the pit the man who had once been the kid that flashed brilliance on the oval; the kid who took down NFL running backs; the kid who set high school records, took of into space and when he came back down to earth the kid who had become a man felt all those years that it takes to become a man catch up to him. All those nights of heavy drinking and early mornings in the taco bell drive thru, all those sleepless nights spent watching the sun come and days laying around nursing a hangover playing Tiger Woods golf came crashing down on the kid who had become a man. Came crashing down right on his dehydrated rarely used hamstring.

When Kris Couls went up on that second jump he was the all out favorite to win the day. When he came down everything had changed.

Jantz ended up reeling off a 17' jump that would put him in first ahead of Couls' first jump (we did 3 jumps and took our longest of the 3). Sean would come in 3rd, Bing 4th and Zach 5th.

It was decided that in order to give Couls a chance to see if he could nurse the hamstring back into action we would throw the discus next, a non running event. While Kris began the process of trying to coax his hammie back to good, Bing toed the line and let loose with what would stand as the longest throw of the day--49.5'.

(sidenote: Given that not a single one of us were high school track coaches and the commissioner's office did not have it in the budget to purchase an actual discus, we just manned up and threw a five lb plate)

After three rounds the standings at discus was:

Bing 1st 49.5'

Zach 2nd

Jantz 3rd

Sean 4th

Couls 5th

With only two events remaining, Couls had slipped from first all the way to battling for last. After trying to throw the discus on his third attempt--and failing--it was clear that he had pulled his hamstring. No amount of rest would aid in the 100, the next event. Bing now looked to be the favorite to win the sprint, with zVirus the front runner for the mile which meant that Couls would be the first man to go into the day as the clear cut favorite to win and would come out in butt naked last place no matter how the next two races finished up.

Bing led from the beginning and nabbed his second first place on the day, pretty much tying up the top spot for track day. His 12 second 100 would not be enough to break Usain Bolt's record though, which came as a pretty big surprise to all involved. Sean came in second, Jantz third and Zach fourth with Couls out due to injury.

That left the mile. After defending his title as the slowest short distance runner, Zach, winner of the mile last year, looked to also defend his title as the fastest long distance runner. Jantz would pose the biggest threat leaving Bing and Sean to contemplate failure, stroking out and throwing up together in the back. After reeling off two laps at 90 and 92 seconds, zVirus picked up the pace and left the rest of the men behind. Logging the next lap at 86.6 and the last at 86.3 the slowest sprinter of the group posted a 5:56 mile and successfully defended his mile victory. After totaling up the scores, Track and Field Day looked like this:

Bing 1st (2 first place..discus, 100)

Jantz 2nd (1 first place...Long Jump)

Sean 3rd (three 3rd places)

Zach 4th (1 first place...mile)

Couls 5th (1 first place...40)

Pete NO Show

Johnson NO Show

How we measure up to the best....

40 yard sprint....Couls 5.1 (Darrell Green of the Wash Redskins ran the fastest ever in 1986 4.09)

100 yard dash....Bing 12 (Usain Bolt holds the WR with 9.58 which he ran in 2009 in Berlin)

Mile.....................Zach 5:56 (WR is 3:43:13 by Hicham El Guerrouj from Morocco ran in 1999)

Discus................Bing 49.5 feet (WR 243 feet by Jurgen Schult in Germany in 2006, although the discus they were throwing was actually a discus (weighing in at 4 lbs 7 oz) we were throwing a 5 lb plate from the gym...ghetto but effective

Long Jump........Jantz 17 feet (Mike Powell from the USA jumped WR 26 feet 4 inches in 1991)

and finally, after some exhaustive digging and investigative work, I unearthed something I think you all would like. Check out this link and I think you'll find someone familiar. Take time to scroll down and specifically check out the tetherball throw. http://www.aboutlancs.com/cyo/cyopress.htm

SOM 13 Kart Racing

This just in to the commissioners office...The Machine is making a push for the lead. Kris Couls who has held the MOY watch for a record 5 weeks is clinging to it desperately as Jantz surges. After recording a big win in frisbee golf, Jantz's dominance continues. He notched another victory at Miramar race track on Tuesday as well as successfully defending his title as top driver from last year. His numbers may have been a bit better but overall the competition was not as tight as the final times made it look. Jantz had control most of the way, only driving slower than he amazing celebrity contestant...the Jimmy Johnson of mini kart racing- our very own Sanchise. Amusingly enough the leading MOY kris couls mistakenly got into the sanchise's car and thought the entire time he was in the lead, reading the times on the big board incorrectly, when in actuality he was back battling the commish for third.

Another entertaining storyline was that of Johnson who hasn't owned a car since late 2005. He predictably came in butt naked last. Something is to be said about battling rush hour traffic every day.

In the end Jantz was back to back racing champ and inched his way a bit closer to ending Couls' reign at the top.

Final positioning:

1st Jantz

2nd z$

3rd Couls

4th Sean

5th Bing

6th Johnson

No Show Pete

SOM 11 Shuffleboard: O' Canada thanks for shuffle

Shuffleboard is quite possibly the best game ever stolen from Canadians.

Up there in the great white north they call it curling for some idiotic reason that I don't care to even waste time on googling. Because down here the the ridiculously better and supremely dominant country known as the US of A we call it shuffleboard and because half of our country isn't frozen and the majority of us drink heavily, we play it inside in a bar.

Shuffleboard got it's start in the SOM as a mere part of the epic Arcade night. Like George Clooney, the Statue of Liberty and Johnson's roommates Beer Pyramid, we believe that it has the ability to stand firmly on it's own. 8 points for a game where one person slids a small disc down a sand covered table? Where a participant can in fact clutch an entire pitcher of beer in one hand, a dob in the lip and 4 shots of Fireball in the belly and still be successful? 8 points for this kind of game? You're damn right...this is America.

Technically we did not have a reigning man champ for the shuffleboard given it's inclusion as a part of arcade night last year, but the Klemhorse did end up winning, besting the self proclaimed best shuffleboard player, Bingaman. This year Bing slightly let off of his campaigning as the WBSBP, which was good for him. No one likes to hear Trump saying he's going to win the presidency if he runs...it's just ridiculous. Couls/Klemo and Sean/Jantz ended up pulling the play in game duty with Couls and Jantz earning the bye. I made quick work of three things in rapid progression: a pitcher of BL, a shot of Fireball and Bing, my nemesis on the S Table. Because of the rule of no one orders beers, you order pitchers I believe that Johnson beat Sean to move on to the second round. My domination continued, taking down Jantz almost as easily as I took down Mrs. Jantz one lovely evening (and I do mean almost, nothing was as easy as that night). Couls beat up on Johnson who was minutes away from a meltdown. In the loser's bracket Jantz clawed his way back. I took my talents to South Beach and Lebroned the shit out of Couls, not once, but twice after he beat Jantz in the loser's bracket to take one more run at--not only the self proclaimed, but now world renowned--best shuffleboard player, Zachary C. Klemo. I toasted his blue bracelet mocking me from his wrist with a shot of something the sexy little J was pouring from the bar and woke up the next morning pissed we had played darts.

Final Standings:

1st Klemhorse

2nd Steinhorse

3rd Jantzhorse

4th Baihorse

5th Binghorse

6th Johnson who doesn't get a sweet horse nicknamed because he acted like a whore and not a horse and bounced on us. We did end up giving him his three points after all was squashed and his iSAL wearing days continued.

DNP Pete

Darts

??????????????????????????????????????????

bahahahaha

we played. Couls won. Sean pouted. Johnson Houdinied. Bing raged. Klemo blacked. Jantz was there?

that about covers it.

1st Couls

2nd Jantz

3rd Sean

4th Zach

5th Bing

DNP Johnson

DNP Pete

after this night...Johnson starts to challenge my iSAL record. Couls' first place looks strong.

SOM 10 Frisbee Golf: The Classic Tale of Bad Overcoming Good

Battleground: Morley Field

Weapon: Disc

Combatants: Six Man Challengers and every pot smoking 27 year old from Chula Vista to Oceanside.

If you don't like stories where evil triumphs over good then I encourage you to stop reading. If you're of the mindset that the better man gets what he deserves in the end then you are going to be sorely disappointed in this story. This is not that type of tale. Imagine if you will that Darth Vader actually let the Emperor kill Luke or that Frodo got to the edge of Mount Doom and instead of throwing the ring in he says, "F#$ it!" puts it on and becomes the most awesome evil Lord ever. It's like Braveheart where you're completely pissed that Mel Gibson is getting his guts ripped out and his boys don't do shit about it. Even yelling "Freedom" doesn't save this story I'm about to revel you with.

Six men lined up on May 7, 2011 on Morley Field in Balboa Park to compete in the world's oldest and most revered weed smoking sport this side of Halo. Frisbee Golf, a game of skill, blind luck and hand strength (strong fingers and a quick wrist snap or what Sean's girlfriend likes to call the masturbation muscles).

Six men and one to rule them all. What a sad day when that man turned out to be Jantz.

Now don't get me wrong. Jantz winning is not in and of itself the worst thing in the world. Burning to death is, but Jantz winning is a close second.

Going into the turn Jantz was in a three way tie with Bing and of course Couls (who seemingly sold his soul to Lucifer prior to this year's man challenge) at 31. A close second was reigning Frisbee Champ zVirus at 32 and Sean and Johnson trailing by 3 and 5 respectively. After a terrible bogey on 10 and a double on 15, Jantz's hopes had all but dwindled to nothing, when out of nowhere he birdies 17 to put it out of reach of a fading Couls and a surging Klemo. Bing's back 10, notably double bogeys on 15 and 18 offset his strong front 9 and left him with a stomach turning fourth place after being in contention all day. Johnson and Sean never had a chance trailing the entire way. Jantz' walk down the 19th fairway was reminiscent of Hitler's march on Paris or the Bataan Death March of 1942...nobody's happy about it. Even his score of 66 was one digit away from pure evil.

It was the anti-Rudy tale. It was Johnny sweeping the leg and Ralph Macchio NOT getting up to whip his ass with a sweet Crane Kick. It's Charlie Conway missing the penalty shot and Gordon Bombay spiraling down into an alcoholic haze a la Nick Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. Sorry boys and girls if you've stuck with this fairy tale gone wrong. Evil wins this time, but I'm holding out for the sequel.

Last year a 70 won the whole thing and there was a three way tie for second at 72. So if you're trying to figure where you stand Pete, it would have been tied with Bing for a second straight year in fourth instead of second. Notably Jantz had 100% less practice this year and shot 6 strokes better. Allen Iverson says, "Practice???" who needs it?

Golf Scores:

Jantz 66

Couls 68

Zach 69

Bing 72

Sean 75

Johnson 77

Up next Shuffleboard and Darts...

SOM 9 Pull Up Bar 1. Johnson 0.

May in San Diego. Manly this means grey weather, graduation parties and too many tourists from AZ on spring break. For the Man Challenge it means conditioning.

Of the 50 or more events that we compete in, a third of them fall into one category. Fitness.

We compete in everything from cooking, to eating to drinking. From traditional sports (golf) to the not so traditional (Frisbee golf). You don't have to be in the greatest shape to go out and drive a go kart or shoot a shotgun or win at poker. But you do have to be if you want to win a half marathon or 100 yard dash or complete a pull up (I'm looking at you Johnson). Like every great man that has ever walked the earth, the SOM is multi faceted, well rounded and balanced. If all we competed in were challenges that tested strength, but not intellect; finesse but not brute power; sobriety but not tolerance than we would be cheating ourselves. SOM tests it all. And in May you'd better get your gym game tight because you may find yourself hanging around, looking up at a bar you're never going to get your chin over. With Push Up Pull Up Sit Up Challenge, SOM begins it's focus on physical conditioning.

The challenge is simple in concept, extremely difficult in practice. Put 10 minutes on the clock. A sit up is worth one point. A push up is worth two. A pull up is three. At the end of the 10 minutes, highest score wins. That's it. 10 minutes of pain.

Going into this challenge Couls has been leading the group for almost a month. I had been in butt naked last for almost as long. A strong showing was needed. Last year strategies were born. We were raw, learning as we went and after weeks of tinkering with different approaches, I found one that worked and a first place win resulted. Last year 343 points won it. But last year only three competitors were left by the time PPS hit the calendar. This year, the full field would be getting their hands dirty down in Mission Bay Park.

To be fair last year we were Nazi Germany. Our scores from last year were less by a large margin and this is due to a couple things. This year we were more like modern day Germany. More lax, not as rigid with the rules. Last year the half push up was illegal. This year it was Sean and Peter's bread and butter. Last year arms were crossed over the shoulders or behind the head and touched the knees on sit ups. This year not so much. Last year Bing (and maybe Jantz too) was in way better shape, which is why both of their numbers dipped. But overall the numbers this year do point to a loosening of the definition of what makes a push up a push up. Now I'm not saying Peter would not have won this year. He dominated, that is no doubt. But the guy's not getting over 500 if we're doing strict form. And I feel 100 percent confidant on calling that out. Not a single person that was there that day can knock my form. I'm all form. Sean....not so much. In the end, under Nazi Germany the standings probably still would have been the same, with Sean and Pete scoring lower. It doesn't change the fact that Jantz completely failed, Bing and Couls have spent more time dipping than doing dips at the gym and Johnson couldn't even DO ONE FRIGGIN PULL UP! Johnson seriously. There are certain intrinsic qualities that make a man a man. A penis the ability to complete a pull up basically top that list. I know you can't do one which makes me question the other.

Compared to last year when 343 won it (by zVirus), the trend stays alive of us ramping up the competition this year. Bing added 4 points and I added 51, but Jantz slipped 23 points from last year.

Results:

1st Pete.....159 push/31 pull/133 sit ups for a score of 544. The GWH finally gets his first win of SOM 2011, which has to hurt a bit given his first or worst start last year.

2nd Zach....122 push/18 pull/96 sit ups for 394. A much needed second place after finishing near the bottom in almost every challenge this summer.

3rd Sean....99 push/25 pull/98 sit ups for 371. Sean benefited greatly from going first given that we got a little more strict as the challenge went along. Still a nice performance from the rookie.

4th Bing....113 push/15 pull/68 sit ups for 339. Only a year removed from his battle to knock out 70 push ups in a row and the lack of gym time becomes apparent. The silver lining? He didn't lose to Couls, who may be really good at golf, bowling and air hockey, but has the shoulder, back and ankle of a 90 year old man.

5th Couls....102 push/18 pull/70 sit ups for 328. He keeps the bracelet but another poor performance is only allowing the crowd another opportunity to catch up.

6th Jantz....91 push/17 pull/75 sit ups for 308. He's so mad about his performance he hits the gym the next day for two hours and kills his arms as punishment for completing shitting the bed in a competition that he should have excelled in. Bad beat.

7th Johnson...10 push/1 pull/0 sit ups for 11. DNQ!!!! After not being able to do five push ups to qualify for the event, Johnson earns a 0, but even worse opens the door to endless years of heckling. Reminiscent of Jantz's 2010 car push debacle, only luckily for Johnson he only had 7 men deriding him for being weak instead of an entire party full of people watching him fail.

SOM 7 24 Point Night

Two weeks away from the Man competition and it had the remaining challengers itching for a battle. I say remaining because SOM 2011 has encountered it's first dropout.

Introducing Man Challenge Roadkill #1: Jeff Takahashi.

But come on....it was just a matter of time. The newbie (and youngest of the challengers) was a stretch at best to finish high in the competition to begin with. SOM is not for the lukewarm, weak or flaky. It takes commitment, passion and dedication. It's not wonder that people drop out each year. If it were easy everyone would do it is my mantra when it comes to running marathons and this motto naturally fits with SOM as well. Certain competitors have likened Summer of Man to a job and I would tend to agree with that comparison. Although it kicks way more ass than any job I've ever had. Pay me to compete weekly with my closest friends in a various array of challenges and then write about it. Please. I'd do that job any day of the week. And I do. Which cannot be said of one Jeff Takahashi. SOM ended up being too much for the kid. Too much time, too much commitment, too much competition. It's hard not being the best at something and SOM will frustrate as much as it inspires.

It will be sad to lose a competitor, but when it's all said and done there's no room for boys in a man challenge.

Two weeks of down time eats at you a bit. Looking back on last summer, we didn't have the luxury of time off. It was balls to wall every week for the entire summer. We started on March 29th and by July 25th we had burned through 50 events. Competition raged bi (and sometimes tri weekly) last year. This year we've eased up a bit on our scheduling, realizing the benefit found in stretching it out. It's the journey not the destination. At this rate, we're looking at SOM lasting into mid to late August and maybe later. Ideally if we could, I would have YOM with competitions continuing throughout the year, but the body and the mind need the rest. The two weeks in between Arcade Night and the now traditional three event night was the window for that rest. And just when you thought a little time away from the man challenge would be good, I'll be damned if I didn't find myself looking forward to it more and more. I also had a little added motivation to get back into the challenges. The yellow last place High School Musical bracelet on my right wrist was getting heavy. After a poor performance at the arcade, I found myself sporting the turd jewelry for two consecutive events (almost 2 and a half weeks). That's a long time to have a band around your wrist supporting a terribly gay tweener musical. I was stoked when April 26th rolled around and the possible 24 points up for grabs. Oh how soon that would change.

The three event night consists of the Holy Trinity of Awesomeness. 36 holes of mini golf followed by a pool tournament, capped off with a game of darts. Del Mar to Society to The Fox. A great night any way you cut it. Win all three and you're looking at 24 points in the bank; lose all three and you may find yourself looking up from a very deep, dark hole.

Ladies and Gents...welcome to my hole.

Del Mar Pelly's Surfin' Safari and Ocean Adventure Put Put Golf Course is the Augusta National of the Mini Golf world. With water spouting whales and trick shots that make Torrey Pines South Course look like a walk in the park, there is no better battleground than Pelly's 36 nightmarish holes.

To the BayHorse, it was more dream than nightmare though. With his unconventional one hand putting technique and a belly full of Fireball, Sean went on a tear, acing 7 holes on his way to a 4 under par performance. It was a more dominant display of mini greatness than Bing's 3 ace, 1 under par game from SOM 2010. Bing didn't defend his mini title, but he didn't fall far either. On the 36th hole, Jantz gambled and lost and with a Bing lay up, he clinched the second spot which is not bad for the self proclaimed "World's Greatest Putter." Couls' 4th place finish wasn't great, but it was enough for him to retain the first place watch for yet another challenge. A tie between Johnson and zVirus came down to the final hole where a disasterous decision made by the reigning last place man resulted in another last place finish. Compared to last year, Bing shot a 87 to win it so we keep the tradition going that overall, 2011 has been a more competitive year than '10.

When it was all said and done, the Mini Golf results:

1st Sean....Front 18--40 Back 46---Total 86....5 Hole in Ones!!!!

2nd Bing....Front--44 Back 44---Total 88

3rd Jantz....Front--44 Back 45---Total 89

4th Couls...Front--53 Back 45--Total 98

5th Johnson...Front--57 Back 50--Total 107

6th Zach....Front--54 Back 54--Total 108

DQ Peter (a last minute conference call impeded the Pistol, causing him to miss his second straight mini golf round)

The caravan then moved back local to PB, where The Society Pool Hall was waiting to host the second leg of our epic night. With Too Tall Jones with the Boobs serving up the cocktails and two tables locked down for a couple hours, we began the process of completing a double elimination head to head pool tourney. If you've never done this before, beware. It takes a lot of time. Two play in games for a bye and a loser's bracket makes for a long night of comp. If you lose your concentration, it could prove costly. After a couple beverages and a little light hearted flirting with Too Tall, I found myself at the bottom of the heap once again. I had lost the eye of the tiger and with it any hope of getting the turd jewelry off my wrist.

In the end Pool Standings:

1st Jantz

2nd Johnson

3rd Bing

4th Couls

5th Sean

6th Zach

DQ Peter (absolutely no reason for a no show...the call was made, but no attempt to come play pool by the Pistol gives him a second straight zero on the night. Sidenote: the 24 point night marked the anniversary of the GWH's bitch out from the Man Challenge a year ago)

And then I got to be honest with you...the scores I remember from this point on is Grateful Deads 2, Jack and Gingers 9, Zach 0.

Apparently darts were played or an attempt at darts were played in Bing's garage. Jantz scaled my ex girlfriends wall to do what we don't know? He did make it clear that it was ok because he was a fireman. Darts were broken, lost, thrown into the alley. It was a bad beat all around. All I know is that in the end darts were cancelled and pushed back due to a black out. It was the Man version of a rain out in baseball.

SOM 6 Arcade Night

Going into SOM 6 Arcade Night the standings are:

couls 38
bing 30.5
pete 30.5
jantz 27.5
sean 27
jeff 24
johnson 20
zach 17.5

Arcade Night is broken down into the classic three: Pop a Shot, Air Hockey and Skee Ball. We had the intention of throwing Shuffleboard in there, but decided that shuffle would take too long and can stand on it's own as a challenge.

Skee Ball

The quintessential arcade game and the traditional kick off to our night. I wish I had the scorecard to see if Ball was more or less competitive than last year but unfortunately like many things that were lost when the Apocalypse happened, the score sheet was one of them.

1st Couls

2nd Sean

3rd Pete

4th Bing

5th Jantz

6th Jeff

7th Johnson

8th Zach

Pop a Shot

Jantz defends his title and proves he his only good at basketball when the hoop is five feet away, six feet off the ground and surrounded by a cage. This challenge included a rare three way tie that ended up going into double overtime where Sean outlasted the zVirus.

1st Jantz

2nd Pete

3rd Couls

4rd Sean (after double overtime)

5th Zach (lost in double overtime)

6th Jeff (lost in overtime to Z and S)

7th Bing

8th Johnson

Air Hockey

By far the longest event of the night and probably the most competitive. At this point in time we had worked up a sweat given the passion for winning mixed with the fact that Dave and Buster's didn't seem to care that the temp was bordering on 100 degrees. Is it some secret that people play more Dance Dance Revolution or Cruisin' America when they are sweating their asses off or what?

1st Jantz

2nd Couls

3rd Pete

4th Zach

5th Bing

6th Sean...up 5-0 on Pete and ended up scoring on himself 5 times

7th Jeff

8th Johnson

Overall Standings were as follows:

1st Jantz 20 pts

(wins in a tie breaker battle against Kris...head to head in each of the three events. Ironically Jantz beat Couls in skee ball, which Couls won the first time around, then gets torched by Couls in pop a shot--Couls shoots out the lights with a 72!!--and then wins his third game in a row on the air hockey table to earn his big 8 points for the SOM Arcade Night Challenge.)

2nd Couls 20 pts

3rtd Pete 19 pts

4th Sean 15 pts

5th Bing 11 pts

6th Zach 10 pts

7th Jeff 8 pts

8th Johnson 4 pts

A subplot to this night was the ownership of the High School Musical Last Place Bracelet or as it's commonly referred to, the iSAL (I Suck At Life). Up to this point the iSAL had been bouncing around (Sean to Johnson to the current owner Commish). After Arcade Night there was a two week break, which meant that the last place person would be wearing the iSAL for the duration of the downtime. Not good. Getting the bracelet off of my wrist was an absolute must.

After SOM 6, the standings were

Couls 45

Pete 36.5

Jantz 35.5

Bing 34.5

Sean 32

Jeff 26

Johnson 21

Zach 20.5 (yup, that's right...i'd be wearing the iSAL for two more weeks because of one half of one friggin' point. this is my life...welcome to the zVirus show)

UP NEXT....SOM 7 THE 24 POINT NIGHT

SOM 4 &5 Dia de Futbol: Jogo Bonito it was not

Futbol as it's called here in northern Mexico (what some refer to as San Diego) is known as "The Beautiful Game." It was anything but on a clear April Saturday afternoon behind Mission Bay High School. 8 men were able to take the world's most popular sport and make it look absolutely terrible. Well at least seven of us did.

The current first place man and the current last place man, Couls and Johnson respectively, were soccer players. The rest of us would probably have a hard time matching up against a team of 9 year old select players.

SOM 5 consisted of three events. Juggling, time trial and goal keeping. Juggling was actually way more competitive than last year. Jantz won the juggling challenge last year with 14, which would have placed him in 5th this year. Couls dominated by scoring a 38, and probably could have kept going, but he only needed to beat Pete's 36. The rest of the field didn't even get half of that. Johnson underperformed and his weak 14 garnered him a 5th place, which was surprising given his supposed soccer skills. Bing and Jantz both stayed consistent and finished in the top four for the second straight year, although Jantz would ultimately fail in defending his soccer crown from Couls. He did successfully out juggle Bing in a tie breaker. Sean and Jeff would also tie, though at the more embarrassing figure of 4, with Sean winning the tie and avoiding last place.

The final standings for juggling:

1st Couls 38

2nd Peter 36

3rd Jantz 15

4th Bing 15

5th Johnson 14

6th Zach 5

7th Sean 4

8th Jeff 4

The Goal Keeper Challenge could have easily been renamed "Guy in the Goal While Everyone Else Sucks at Life." You didn't really have to block any shots to win the challenge this year, you just had to be standing there when the rest of us missed the most amount of shots and you were GG. These were supposed to be FREE shots. 9 times out of 10 the striker is scoring in soccer. Oh no no, not this group of turds. 14 shots per Man challenger in the goal and the average made goal per round was 4. 4 of 14! It's not like we were Patrick Roy out there. Most of the shots were just outright pure misses. There were some bright spots though. Couls (and maybe Bingaman) did have a legitimately harder time in the goal than the rest of us with more shots actually being blocked than missed. The winner of the event Sean on the other hand just had the fortune of almost every single person basically whiffing on their goal opportunity. His 2 goals out of 14 scored on him, as well as Jantz's and Johnson's 3 goals, were more a testament to how shitty the rest of us were at penalty kicks than to how good they were at goalkeeping. Our mistake this year was counting a miss and a block as the one in the same. In the future to help better measure our goal keeping skills I intend to rank blocks as higher and misses as lower and also possibly award points for how many shots you make while shooting minus points for how many misses while shooting. Then the ratio of blocks/misses combined with how many goals you successfully make will dictate where you place in the goalie challenge. That would take away the option of tanking a shot to give a person a half point rather than a full point because you would also be penalized for misses while shooting as well as rewarded for makes. But this year we learned that just maybe (and by maybe I mean absof%^&*inglutely) the best goalie did not win the goalie challenge.

Final scoring for goal keeping, where each man defended the goal against the 7 other competitors over the course of three rounds were as follows:

1st Sean 2 of 14 shots scored

four way tie Jantz/Johnson/Bing/Couls for second place with 3 of 14 shots scored...after tie breaker

2nd Couls 0 of 3 shots scored on by the other tied competitors

3rd Jantz 2 of 3 shots scored (tied with Johnson, but ended up beating him in a sudden death shoot out)

4th Johnson 2 of 3 shots scored (lost shootout to Jantz)

5th Bing 3 of 3 shots scored

6th Pete 4 of 14 shots scored

7th Zach 5 of 14 shots scored

8th Jeff 6 of 14 shots scored

The final event of the day consisted of a timed lap dribbling the soccer ball 30 yards up the field through a series of cones and back, ending with a shot from 10 yards out on goal. Miss a cone, knock over a cone or miss the goal and a time penalty is added on (2 seconds cone knock, 10 seconds missed cone and 5 seconds for goal missed).

It was here that controversy entered into the man challenge. Let it be said that in Jantz's defense, we have reason to believe that his parents dropped him on his head at a young age so it's not his fault that he is almost completely retarded.

To those of you reading that may not be familiar with the greatness that is SOM (Summer of Man), this is our second year of competition. Last year it was basically 6 men just flying by the seat of our pants, making things up as we went. Everything was new to us. Rules were inserted as the need for them came up. This being our second year of competition, we have a bit of experience at our backs. It's still a work in progress and questions still arise. To combat this I've done my best as commissioner to try and map out every possible scenario so that when problems do arise a solution is easily identifiable. This would be a difficult task in and of itself alone. Now add to the mix eight, cocky, self involved, semi retarded, attention deficient, hyper competitive men and what you have is a text book clusterfuck. At the beginning of each event I announce the rules, how everything is going to go down and how it will be scored. This is not to say that the announcement is heeded. Going into the final event of the soccer challenge, this fact was made abundantly clear when Jantz violated a rule that was clearly defined prior to his running of the trial.

Now this would not have been that big of an issue with a slightly less competitive group of people, but unfortunately we are not that kind of people. Jantz pleaded for a very unmanly "REDO" and was granted one (mainly for the aforementioned clumsiness of his parents). When Peter found out about this REDO he was less than thrilled about it. Oh and why did Peter "find out about it" you ask given the fact that he is a man challengers and one would think that he would be there when the REDO in question occurred? Peter had better things to do than hang out with his friends and had already bounced from the challenge at this point in time...but that's whole other issue that has already been beat to death. (for more on that feel free to browse... http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_189870081035929&ap=1) Long story short, Jantz was wrong to even ask for a REDO, but we just as guilty for granting his down syndromed ass one.

Basically what it did was jump Jantz from third to last (yeah he still beat Pete and Jeff even with his numb skull screw up) to second place. Days later, after a man vote, it was agreed that Jantz would be given a penalty which placed him back in 6th place. It was also agreed upon that if a Man Challenger ever invoked the possibility of a REDO in the future he would be punched in his huge vagina and docked a man point. So settles the drama of the REDO.

Time Trials

1st Couls 23.5

2nd Zach 25.9

3rd Bing 27.4

4th Johnson 28.5

5th Sean 28.9

6th Jantz 30

7th Pete 32

8th Jeff 35

After it was tallied here were the final standings for SOM 5 Soccer

1st Couls 23 pts....two first places and a second, played up to his favorite status and owned a challenge that was thought to be his in the first place. What a commie bastard

2nd Jantz 19 pts...followed up 2010 soccer win with a strong second place

3rd Bing 14 pts.....3rd, 4th and 5th place finishes, very consistent

Tie with 13 pts Johnson/Sean....we decided that Oklahomas had to be done for even the soccer challenge and what better match up then the one between the hated rivals? Classic battle with the win going to Johnson who made a terrific goal line stop that the commissioner's office had to go to the tape to verify. After a slow motion review, the tie breaker went to Johnson

4th Johnson 13 pts...underperformance of the summer so far given the fact that we all thought Johnson was a soccer player

5th Sean 13 pts...a hard loss at the hands of his hated rival will either inspire or depress the Bayhorse. Which will it be?

6th Zach 11 pts....not a good showing by the zVirus who, like the Red Sox, has dug himself into a pretty deep hole

7th Pete 10 pts....an awful showing for the self proclaimed Great White Hype who followed up a strong juggling performance with two sub par events

8th Jeff 3 pts.....three LAST PLACE FINISHES exposed Jeff as the most over rated man challenger of 2011. He also bounced early, most likely to go home to douche. It was only a matter of time that the he would be the first SOM dropout.

After 5 Challenges Couls retained the first place watch while I took the yellow loser last place bracelet and would hold on to it for next 5 weeks. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Up next Arcade Night at Dave and Busters....

SOM 4&5 Dia de Futbol: Part 1

"First in the competition, last to be picked for a game."

The Pistol, commenting on Sean's football win

Trash talk. From concrete courts in the Bronx to fantasy football message boards in suburbia. It can be found everywhere a game is being played by hyper competitive people.

Watching ESPN's latest (and absolutely fantastic) 30 for 30 documentary about the legendary Michigan freshmen entitled The Fab Five, I learned an interesting fact. According to the film, along with baggy shorts and black socks, the unique and inventive gifted freshmen also introduced college basketball to the practice of trash talk. Now can this statement be validated? I tend to disregard the age old adage "Don't believe everything you hear on TV," so when I hear Jalen Rose tell me that trash talking didn't exist in college basketball before the Fab 5 came along, I blindly believe him. If this is true, then trash talk has come a long way since 1992.

All sorts of games these days are dominated by trash talk. I participate in a fantasy football league who's main priorities are:

1. Be good at trash talking on message boards

and,

2. Be fairly familiar with how to play fantasy football.

It's what makes me like Ray Lewis more and most people like Philip Rivers less. Mike Tyson rebuilt his career on it and made millions talking it after his prison stint. It's the one reason I talk to my brother during baseball season. But Jalen Rose is probably wrong. The first caveman who clubbed the hottest chick and drug her back to his cave probably talked shit about it the entire way. We're men. It's what we do.

Which is why on Saturday when Sean, a high school hero, bested a bunch of other high school heroes during the football challenge it was only natural that trash was talked. Sean backed up his lofty talk though (word was he boasted he could go 10 for 10 hitting one of the uprights with a football) by winning SOM 4/Football challenge. Sean came in second in the accuracy throw, had the fifth longest punt, the third longest throw and was in the top three for field goal kicking. It was by some accounts completely expected (Sean's account) and by other's (pretty much everyone else's) out of the blue. Sean's resume stacks up though. If we're to believe him, he started QB for his high school team all four years, kicked every single field goal for them and also was the team's punter. Either it was a small school or he was awesome with an exclamation mark.

The irony is though this post centers around the concept of trash talk, I have no grounds to do it. Sean was consistently better than everyone else in the challenges we competed in. That may not sit well with some of the competitors, but the writing is on the wall none the less. I guess when it comes down to it all we have left is trash talk. We can call his mom fat or his sister ugly or his girlfriend a whore, but in the end he will be able to do what every winner in the history of winners have earned the right to do and that is to point and say the one thing losers hate to hear..."Look at the scoreboard"

Football Standings:

If you're reading this and you are unfamiliar with SOM I'll describe the challenge for you (and also ask you who are you and why are you reading this?)

The football challenge is broken down into four events: The Accuracy Throw, the Long Toss, Field Goal and Punt.

The Accuracy Throw is five throws at each upright and the crossbar, 15 total. Each competitor was throwing from the 10 yard line. The Long Toss was an elimination game where each competitor threw from 25 yards out through the uprights, stepping back 10 yards after every successful throw. If you missed at a distance twice in a row, you were out. Field Goal was set up the exact same way. The Punt competition experienced a little bit of turmoil this year when the Men disagreed over what the punt consisted of: where it hits or where it rolled to. Since the rule in the beginning included the roll and was not challenged until the competition began, the punt distance included the roll. Next year we may cut the roll and just calculate where the punt hits. Same as last year; winner gets 8, second gets 7 and so on down the line.

ACCURACY:

Johnson 7 of 15

Sean 7 of 15 (tie breaker went to Johnson)

Jeff 4 of 15

Couls 4 of 15

Pete 3 of 15

Bing 3 of 15

Jantz 2 of 15

Zach 2 of 15

PUNT:

Pete...probably a 60 yarder (at least 20 on the roll)

Couls...longest out of the air but lack the bounce, 5 yards short of Pete's

Zach....good bounce, around 10 to 15 yards short of the winner

Jantz...barely a yard or so behind zVirus

Sean...some roll to it, but not enough

Johnson...good distance in the air but all his kicks suffered the backward bounce

Bing.....short of the winning kick by 25 yards or so

Jeff.....three worst kicks of the day all sitting short of the 25 yard line (sadly for him he bombed a 70 yarder off by himself when it didn't count)

LONG TOSS:

Jeff: far and away the winner; ended up throwing a spiral almost 65 yards through the uprights

Pete: part of the top three that beat everyone else by at least 20 yards

Sean: his arm tired in the end quicker than Pete's; neither were competition for Jeff

Bing: a huge improvement from last year throwing around 20 yards further in '11

Johnson: his last throw looked like a dying animal falling to the ground

Couls: did his best to keep pace, but didn't have the arm to last long

Jantz: got beat by Couls in a tie breaker

Zach: weakest arm of the bunch; basically the looks of Tom Brady but the arm of Gisele

FIELD GOAL:

Sean/Jantz/Jeff: the top three

***after the top three, we ended up not finishing out the field goal kicks because halfway through the standings were cemented in and nothing would have changed***

Johnson: underperformed in an event that he felt he should have excelled in

Couls: his soccer skills couldn't help him here

Zach/Bing: a tie, though it should be noted that Bing conceded zVirus as the better field goal kicker

Pete: missed his only two field goal kicks

1st Sean............23-25 pts---(2nd, 5th, 3rd & 1/2/3)
2nd Jeff.............21-23 pts---(3rd, 8th, 1st & 1/2/3)
3rd Pete............20 pts------(5th, 1st, 2nd & 8th)
4th Johnson......20 pts------(1st, 6th, 5th & 4th)
5th Couls..........19 pts------(4th, 2nd, 6th & 5th)
6th Jantz...........15-17 pts---(7th, 4th, 7th & 1/2/3)
7th Bing............12-13 pts---(6th, 7th, 4th & 6/7)
8th Zach...........10-11 pts---(8th, 3rd, 8th & 6/7)

to be continued.....Part 2 of Dia de Futbol